Jon Katz said "I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together."
I've never had many friends, I've tended to be fairly selective. I understand through countless hours of journalling, blogging, and talking with my dear wife Virginie that there was something that needed attention within myself first. Then, after that was understood, I feel now that I have a light to shine. I admit, it's so bright to me, almost bursting, and I want to show it to everyone, yet to some I've found more of a connection with than others. I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately. I received a really nice gift from one of them this last Wednesday. I was SO grateful! It was more than a gift though. I could tell this person had put some thought into it. On top of that it also said "I love you, and I accept you".
I think this is something I really want to say now to all my friends. I commit to all of you to always being there, to listening, to understanding, and to enjoying every moment I have with you. I commit to being there when you need me, and asking when I need you. I commit to not being too busy or tired. You are the glue that holds my life together, intricately woven along with family, spouse, and work. Yet, friends are different than these other things. Friends are the family that you choose. You choose them, they choose you. I consider it a privilege to have been chosen by my friends.
Perhaps this declaration may be overwhelming to my friends anyway, so I say it with a slight cringe. I don't want to scare anyone away. Since announcing to the world about my decision to transition, and allowing myself to think female, I've been able to accept certain traits about myself, that I've never felt I could accept. Being emotional is one of them. So, to anyone out there. If you need anyone to cry with you... out of pain, passion, fear, loss, gratitude, wonderment, or joy, I'll cry with you.
Running continues to be an outlet for me. I meet people with the same passion and can share with them something with them that we both enjoy. For me, running is more than sharing running though. Last weekend we set off for our LSD (haha, long slow distance as I've recently learned), we paired up. Sometimes I like being part of a big group, but I hoped this day that I would get paired off with one person in particular, and that we would just be able to yap for hours as we ran. It couldn't have been better. Perhaps we were both feeling better than we usually would, or maybe the context of the conversation provided that extra little bit of energy, but as we ran together, we lost the rest of our group and we ended up running together for remainder of the run. We talked about everything, religion, God, marriage, friendship, running, races, food, habits (good and bad) among a host of other things. It was perfect! I admit, I was supposed to run somewhere else, but everything worked out and I enjoyed myself immensely.
Friendship even seems to transcend borders. I've had the good fortune to meet so many people with literal hearts of gold. When I came out to the world 2 months ago, a close friend from my university days got in contact with me. Even though she lives far away, the following day flowers arrived at our home with a message and chocolates attached. Her message to me was the same: "I love you, I accept you regardless of the shape, body, or appearance."
The best example of friendship is in my Wife Virginie. She's told me many times, I love your soul, and with this change, my soul has come out in more bright colors than I could have imagined. As a result, while there are lots of concerns about my family, I have none. In fact, I would have considered it a tragedy to live as we were, with me constantly hiding that which wanted to shine forth.
Last October, I ran the Iron Horse Ultra (only the 100k lol!). I felt great during the race. Strong, both mentally and physically. I enjoyed myself from start to finish, and made some great friends along the way.
Shortly after the 50km mark, we crested a hill from the west (heading east). As we descended down into the ravine, a new song came on my headphones. I stopped for a moment. The sun was shining bright. It was warm, with very little wind. There was a lake, surrounded by trees, and then me, descending down toward it, the dry prairie grass crunching beneath my feet. It is a moment sketched in time that I will always remember. I pulled out my camera, and took a video. While no video will ever do justice to how I felt, this is the best I can do and I offer it to everyone as the closest to feeling this enormous passion that I have inside. I swear, it's too big even for my body.
Maybe it's too much for just saying thank-you, but to the two people mentioned in this blog (you had better know who you are!!!) thank-you. This entry is for you. Thank-you for being the type of people that make the world a better place. Thank-you for sharing your enormous passion, whatever that is. Your passion for kindness, your passion for charity, your passion for running, your passion for people, listening, feeling, and loving. I swear, the blog title holds. When we love someone, an entire world opens up, and the gift we receive gives so much, we don't have enough room to receive it.
In case anyone is curious, the blog title "When we love someone" came from this song:
I would wait to blog, because it's late and I D O N T H A V E T H E T I M E right now, but if I don't, the thoughts and feelings will be gone, and so here I am, at 10:00 at night, when I should be showering after my run, and going to bed, snuggled up to my soul mate.
Yet, here I am.
I'm not suggesting men are wolves, but I am suggesting the cartoon depicts quite well how "male bonding" has always been for me. It's foreign, and as absurd as the cartoon shows. Whatever I said, seemed to be ask fake as I felt inside. But you know what? I'm tired about talking about what things were like, too many wonderful things happened today.
When I die, I will remember today as a turning point in my life. It was the day other half of my life, my "work life" found out about Stephanie. It's funny how things work out. Inspiration comes in the most unlikely of forms. My running has been slowly degrading over the last 6 or so weeks. The answers are clear now.
Spironolactone is a powerful testosterone blocker. Unfortunately, it does much more than that. The feature that killed my was that it works also as a "potassium sparing diuretic". This means, I pee frequently, and whenever I do, I pee out everything except potassium. Two things happened because of that. I became cronically dehydrated, in spite of the fact I was drinking 3+ liters of water a day, and my electrolytes were thrown completely out of whack. This led to frequent cramping, fatigue, nausea, and a whole host of other goodies, that made running "less than enjoyable".
A few days ago, I called the nurse to ask her, and after discussing, stopped taking the spironolactone. Things have improved. For example, my 15k time last week was 1:20. This week, it was 1:08. A pretty big improvement. Plus, last week it was a very hard fought 1:20. This week? I bet I could have done 1:05.
There is another side to this though...
I was seeing some amazing results, just taking the testosterone blocker. My appetite increased. I was having some major food cravings, and I began to become much more emotional. On Sunday nights, our family likes to watch documentaries. We watch them on just about every topic imaginable. We've watched internet safety, dogs, natural world, popular science, astronomy, technology, and last Sunday, epigenetics. It was very interesting, and informative. While watching, I was glued to what they were saying. I guess the combination of music and message got to me, and I began to cry.
I've always wanted to cry, but as a man, it seemed forbidden, but that night it felt wonderful. I was so happy about epigenetics!!! I just couldn't contain myself.
Then, I stopped taking them.
It was then that I realized how much I wanted to transition. It became clear that my councillor's advice that "it will become clear when you should make your announcement at work" was 100% correct. That time was now. I had an email proof read by a friend, and again by HR, scheduled a personal meeting with my team, at 1:30, and hunkered down intent on getting something done.
I'll post the email that was sent around. It was wonderful to write it. I don't feel like I'm much with words, but every now and then, I become obsessed with the moment as I write. The words flow into the keyboard with confidence, and with ease. This morning was such a moment.
The meeting with my immediate team went well. Everyone, although somewhat shocked, was immediately supportive. The email went out at 5:00pm, and within a few minutes, messages began to pour in with messages of encouragement, congratulations, and support.
To top that off, an old friend emailed me up. We got together last month talking about jobs, and he mentioned his company was looking for people. I saw no reason why I should rush into things, but I like to keep options open, so I agreed that I would be interested in meeting with his senior management.
A job offer came in this morning, along with a possible salary that makes my head spin.
I don't understand why so many wonderful things are happeneing right now, but like words on a page, everything is flowing together as perfectly and beautifully as the moonlight sonota. It's too perfect to ignore. All I can do is get on my knees, and thank whatever being is, or is not up there from the bottom of my heart, for making this day possible.
As I ran home, this message stuck with even more certainty. It was all there, the steady rythym of my feet, the cool air, the wind in my hair, the breath in my lungs. It, like this whole day is a moment seared into my mind with the glue of gratitude, that will be my tresure to cherish for the rest of my life.
My faith in humanity is being restored. It's being restored in everyday heroes that say "I love you" not with words, but with their ears. They listen and carefully consider. I wish I could thank all of these heroes, but it's already 10:37 now and I promised Virginie that it would only take 30 minutes.
To all those who made this day possible, thank-you. Really, from the bottom of my heart, I thank-you.
Warning! This blog post will have more details about changes happening in my transition. If these make you (the reader) uncomfortable, I'll mark the paragraphs that are more PG in nature so that you can avoid them.
Every fall it's the same thing in our house. The kids go back to school and within a few short weeks, the sniffles come into our house. It goes around most of us, and then we are okay. Fine until the seasons change.
My body has been coping with lots of change recently. It affects quite a few things. My energy level in particular. Not good for a person training for two 100 mile races this year. I don't know right now how I'm going to pull it off, but I'll run tomorrow, strengthen every day, eat healthy, stay hydrated, and listen to my body, both the good things and the bad things it's telling me.
It's no different with changes happening in my body right now. For example, the medication "spironolactone" is amazing. It's a diuretic, which I have realized today, is not a laxative. Laxative = poop, diuretic = urine. Basically, it makes me pee a lot, and it lowers my blood pressure. Could be a good thing, but when I run, I'm already dehydrated, and when you combine that with the fact it's hard to drink in the winter because I have to dig trough my clothing and pull down my zipper with cold hands in order to get to it.
Spironolactone also blocks testosterone production. Because it's so low, it means that my estrogen is higher. As I understand it, cellular receptors for hormones accept either estrogen and testosterone. If they accept estrogen, the individual develops secondary female characteristics. If they accept testosterone, the individual develops secondary male characteristics. It's obvious the medication is working, because my testosterone is quite low. My breasts have become very sore. The nipples are erect almost all the time, and my breasts are growing. Quite fast might I add... My Wife and daughter are telling me, they will kill me if I'm bustier than they are. It's probably still okay to shower with the guys, but I'll definitely be getting weird looks. I'm proud to be me, so maybe it's not a big deal. I'm happy with my body so far. Super happy actually! I hope I'm at least a b-cup eventually, but I won't complain with anything. They will be mine.
As for the running part of it, I'll keep training, without giving myself excuses on why I'm allowed to go slower, and less hard then before. I believe everything will work out in the long run. After all, in the end, when you're running 100 miles, it doesn't matter how slow you go, so long as you cross the finish line. (At least, that's the way I see it).
Virginie and I went to a clothes exchange last week at the pride center in Edmonton. There was a LOT of clothes there. I still feel very shy around those people, but they are all very friendly. I'm sure I'll eventually open up. I just need to give myself time. In the end, I got a whole bunch of really cute stuff. Mostly tops. When I wear them, along with my new girls pants, I can see a hourglass figure coming through. It's not a lot, but it's something, and I'm so happy with it!!!
My confidence has gone up as well. I think some of my favorite times are with my new friends at the Fast Trax run club. I have always had a tough time opening up to people, and trusting them. Now that my transgender secret is out, and literally everyone in my run club seems to be fine with it, I trust these people completely. I can talk, laugh, and socialize with a better degree of confidence. This is something I've never had before. Next weekend, I'm running with a couple of girls. I've never ran with them before, but I'm super excited to do so. Seriously, I want a HEN running party. I was never allowed into these conversations. All my life I've never been allowed, even those this is the way I want to socialize. Yesterday, after a challenging interval session, I was at the Second Cup with my pals. One of the gals told a story involving me. It was funny. The really cool part was, she got her pronouns right! She called me Steph, and said "she". Those little things mean so much to me! There is more to it than that though...
When growing up, I always always always heard others telling funny stories, or conversing about shows that I was not interested in. For example, "Kids in the Hall". I thought that show was raunchy!!! I watched it once, and down comes my Dad just as 2 of the guys started to kiss. He looked at me and said "Are these the shows you like to watch Steve?". I hung my head. "No..." I replied sullenly. I immediately turned off the TV, and decided I did not want to be a part of those conversations anyway.
It was always like that though. I would hear people talk, want to get involved, but didn't now the subject, or even the dynamics of holding a conversation. Yet, when this friend told her story about me, and people laughed, along with the right pronouns, and the laughter, I felt so included, and accepted.
We all love in different ways, but regardless of the way, it says "I accept you", "I affirm you", "I enjoy you". You see, I don't have to be anyone else. I don't even have to be a man anymore (not that I knew how to do that in the first place), and I'm still loved by that group. If I miss out on a workout, people are texting me to see where I was. When they say, "We missed you" I actually believe it, because they have proven that already to me.
In stark contrast, there is another couple close to me that won't listen at all. They tell me "You may be happy now, but you won't be happy later, you'll regret it", like they know me better than I know myself. There message to me is "Your too perverted to make a sound decision on this". Guess what? I often think I act the role that I perceive people place on me. If they treat me like a pervert... well... you know. If they treat me like I'm worth their time, and my friendship is valued, it they love me unconditionally, I feel loved. Then how do I act? quite differently actually. I'm more open to listening, feeling and loving myself. When in doubt, act with love and kindness.
One more comment about living with regret. Many a book has been written to tell us how to avoid it, and they are probably all right, and all wrong. What I mean is, we run all information and experiences through our own paradigms. When we do this, we keep some, and discard (often for protection) elsewhere. You know, back into the dark recesses of ones brain so it can be forgotten. The message I feel is, "don't do this so you won't have to deal with the regret". It's suggestions straight from their own paradigms. I don't think anyone can avoid living with regret. Yet, we can all choose to not regret things, or we can do something about regret when it comes. I have no doubt that there is always a way to handle it well, to me, everything is fixable. Just some fixing takes longer than others, but when you are in the process of fixing something, at least you are in control. The process is started!
It's getting late. Virginie is out with Naomi at Orchestra, and I have been trying to help others get dishes done and some other late night chores. On Thursday nights, we watch "Lie to me" with our oldest daughter. It's become our date night, or lately, our "de-stress night".
I don't think any post will adequately do justice to the feelings that I have. Suffice it to say, I wanted to share some of the encouragement that I've received over the last month. I won't share anything negative. What is the point with sharing such things anyway. I've noticed for me personally, negative things totally cloud my mind. It's why I can have 10 people offer support, but it's so easy to remember the one that does the opposite. Yet, these are some of the words, advice, and encouragement that I've received.
"Congratulations on so many levels my friend"
I've always regarded you as one of the kindest people ive ever known. You exude warmth and acceptance towards others and you will get the same in return from me. I hope the road ahead brings you some peace after such a long, difficult struggle. Take care!
Wow! I can't even imagine how difficult this has been for you. I have huge respect for you and have no doubt that all of you will handle this with grace and strength. All my best to you.
Dude, you are awesome and I will always respect you.
I'm standing with you Stephen and wish you all the best. If you don't want to be at church right now that's ok--but if at any point you want to be--there is room on my pew for you--girl or boy
I share these not to boast, but as a reminder to me how loved I really am. I also received some of the nicest personal messages and emails, but now that I am re-reading them, they are often so beautiful and personal, I don't know if it's really appropriate to share them. They are treasures that I will share at the right time, and in the right place.
I won't lie, I've bounced back and forth many times since coming out on whether or not I want to go through everything. In the end, I'm going to stay the course. I admit, it's a little more challenging than I first thought, but I have a feeling that it's going to be so much more worth it. Gender Identity Disorder or "Gender Dysphoria" as it's often called is something many don't understand. The problem that I've been having is that many don't want to understand. They feel that if they speak harshly, or poignantly enough, that I'll "come to my senses". In my opinion, this applies more to those who are faithful attenders and believers of the LDS or Mormon church.
The LDS faith believe that gender is an essential characteristic of pre-mortal, mortal, and post-mortal life. As a result changing ones gender may likely be a cause for being cast out by God. I have prayed and prayed so many times to have these feelings removed, but it never happened. For those of the Mormon faith, I shall attempt in my own clumsy way to explain why I believe God is different that the God I was raised to believe in, why he has not removed this burden, and what will be his reaction to my transition.
I have always been taught that God is a perfect being, and as a result, even though I was always told I don't have to be perfect, I need to strive to be like God. Unfortunately, my sense of self worth became based on that sense. Unless I was acting perfectly in the way God wanted me to, I was in and of myself a failure.
I guess the big question is: Is transitioning ones gender a sin?
When a child is born with a cleft pallet, a surgeon will skillfully operate and fix the error. Similarly, a variety of circumstances while young, may cause a child or teenager to get braces. The braces are applied by a qualified professional, and in the long term, provide more than just straight teeth, they provide a sense of confidence to the individual, because they no longer have any social stress associated with their teeth.
Why did God allow this, or any other host of ailments?
In the New Testament, John 9:1-3 it says:
1. And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
2. And his disciples asked him, saying, "Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?"
3. Jesus answered, Neither has this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.
I share this because I believe that I am much like this blind man. God has a purpose for all of our trials. For the most part, our mortal minds are not able to comprehend the bigger scheme of things, and so we are often required to live by faith.
I believe Gender Dysphoria is similar to a person with a cleft pallet, or braces. We have been born into the wrong body. Nature, plus nurture shape us into who we are, and when we are ready to come out and admit the error between mind and body, we seek the help of skilled professionals. Using hormones, and surgery, the gender mismatch is corrected.
How will God react to this? I don't know for sure, but I hope it will be the same as the person that had their cleft pallet fixed. He will be proud of the courage we had, will teach us as only he can, and work with us to achieve our eternal goals.
In the meantime, I share this scripture in John 13:34: "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."
How did Christ show his love?
John 9:6-7 When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay, and said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Send.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing.
Christ spent his time healing. It would seem from this experience it was not always free. The ailed had to search him out, and ask in faith for the blessing desired. He then healed their body.
I believe that he is going to heal my body.
I leave the experience of a friend who shall remain anonymous. Her experience is outlined here.
Of course, I just may be completely out to lunch, but my heart tells otherwise.
I've written, and re-written this post so many times, it's starting to make my head spin. I guess I'm hoping that eventually, I'll come out with the perfect words to describe my world, and the world I'm hoping to find. That with eloquence of words, I might be able to convince people to go "easy" on me. To accept me for what I'm writing. I am likely struggling with the fear of the unknown. I just plain don't know what peoples reactions to what I'm about to say will be. So, I place it out there, and all I can do is hope for the best.
For many years, I've struggled deeply with my gender identity. I have grown up in a deeply religious family, and have good christian morals instilled in me. As a result, I've learned to deny the gender feelings that I have as being a mistake. That my feelings are a mistake, and that what I feel is shameful. Yet, for whatever reason, I don't want to deny them any longer. So here it is. I identify more strongly with my female side, rather than my male side. As a result, I want very much to be able to bring my body in conformity with my mind.
Now wait! How could I say such a thing? What about my Wife? What about my Children? What about my Parents and Brothers and Sisters? Do I have any idea what this will do to them? All of us have the same christian virtues instilled in us. Am I deliberately trying to destroy my family?
It is currently 3:30 am. I cannot sleep. I have so much on my mind. I'm hoping that this will help ease my mind, and get back to sleep. I have work to do, and I cannot let this get in the way of it!
So, yesterday was the best, and worst day of my life. The reason is that I was finally able to see a psychiatrist that specializes in gender disorders. He assured my that nothing was wrong with me. That gender is in the head. I told him my story. He asked a lot of questions, and in the end, I was formally diagnosed with gender identity disorder. He gave me a prescription for a testosterone blocker, and advised me to come out to friends and family. To transition my gender, I would need to live full time in my gender of choice for a period of 1 year. I came home on cloud nine! So happy to have been able to finally get my innermost secret out, and grateful I had a committed Wife willing to help me through the process.
So we got home, and began posting to Facebook, emailing, and calling.
We were communicating all day long.
So far, people have surprised me with how loving they are. For the most part, the comments have been "We don't agree with you, but love you and accept you". Words cannot describe how wonderful it is to hear that. I'm grateful for those who's hearts are big enough to accept a new me. Thank-you thank-you thank-you. In fact, only one person expressed really negative feelings, and that persons opinion is very important to me. I sometimes wonder if I should call it quits, just to preserve this one relationship. So for the next little while, I realize that it will be one step at a time.
So for now, there are lots of questions in my mind. For one thing, I've discovered a new group of friends at a local running club, that I really enjoy spending time with. They push me to new heights in my running, and provide an atmosphere where I feel I can excel in. Even though I am transitioning my gender, and part of that process will be loosing some muscle mass, you had all better training hard. Especially the men. Unless of course you want to get beat by a girl.
Please feel free to comment, email, or PM me on Facebook if you have any questions.
The Iron Horse Ultra 100k is coming up in 2 weeks. I have completed my last long run, and am feeling pretty confident. There are a couple of reasons for this:
I have done my due diligence in training. I joined the Frank McNamara Wednesday night cross country race series. There is nothing quite like actually racing... it pushes me beyond what I would do if I was just doing intervals on my own. On Friday (2 days ago) I knocked off 30km, and then yesterday, I knocked off another 44km. I felt reasonably good after that 44km too, and so I'm feeling pretty confident about how training has gone. One note about the "Franks" races. There are a lot of really good and fast runners there. It's pretty remarkable how fit these guys are. I'm feeling pretty humble about my own abilities, and motivated and inspired by some of the performances that I've seen.
I tried a new endurance fuel by Tailwind Nutrition. With shipping, it was a little expensive, but I did not change anything about my training regime. In fact, I decided to try and keep a more aggressive pace than I would usually do, so that I could get tired more quickly. My goal pace was to stick right around 5 minutes per kilometer. For quite a while though, I was keeping things between 4:50 and 4:30. In the end, even with a number of brutal hills, and some pretty bushy singletrack, I was able to pull of 44km in 4 hours 8 minutes or something like that. Actually, I cannot find my gps to verify, and so maybe I'm remembering things a little better? Anyway, I was really happy with how things went. I'll definitely be using Tailwinds on race day. Thank-you to all those who recommended it.
My title this time around is not just solely about running endurance. I think I've had a number of experiences in life that have required me to be patient, to wait, and to trust that things will work out. In the mean time, life was not always glorious and beautiful either. Patience carries a price, and until I changed my attitude toward patience, that price was a difficult one to pay.
It may be a side effect of our "now" society. We have instant everything, and patience is generally not required. My good Wife is a great example of patience right now. Virginie attends school at the University of Alberta taking a BA in recreational sports and tourism. I think she's really found her passion, but she's so excited to apply it. She wants to be "out there", using what she has learned. Seeing the world, and experiencing people. She wants to leave her mark. Her enthusiasm is contagious. I'm really excited about how our lives will unfold.
But we have to be patient.
In terms of endurance running, patience is a an attribute that I'm not always aware that I'm using, but I'm using it non-the-less. Sometimes, I don't want to feel tired anymore, and all the scenery in the world won't change it. At those times, I just have to be patient. However, patience does not always have to be about "waiting". Perhaps it can also be about choosing? We wait regardless of what we are working toward, regardless of what our goal is. Perhaps patience is a choice to enjoy the road from point "A" to point "B".
I wish I could sum up in words, all the feeling of the heart on this topic. I think about the "two marshmallow" experiment.
Virginie and I often tell our kids to go for a "two marshmallow" solution. I get rolled eyes sometimes, but in the long run (no pun intended), I think the message is getting through.
I most certainly applies to myself though, more than anyone else, and so in conclusion I want to say that I will be "happily patient" in a couple of weeks, and I will NOT give up. In doing so, I believe I will find success.
I've thought a lot about what I would call this post. This probably sums it up better than anything. It's been a while and It would be nice to write something that really grabbed the readers attention, but this really sums up my experience this year with ultra running, so I'm sticking to it.
There has been lots of good advice offered to me over the years, but there are a couple of pieces that really stick out to me right now. I don't think they apply to just ultra running, but to life in general. They both come from dear friends, that have put friendship ahead of advice. I guess that's why I've listened to them so much. The first is that you have to make the pleasure more than the pain. This has been timely advice, but it was missing something. I discovered that something even before I raced. That something was commitment.
I've tried running 3 ultras this year. First was the River Valley Revenge Ultra 100K in June. I got to 55km and decided I hated running. It had been working up for hours previous to that. In spite of the fact that I was making good time, I headed back to the start line, and threw in the towel. I regretted it later. At that point, I figured that I was in no shape to finish Sinister 7, which was by then only 3 weeks away. The mental game was already starting. I was non-committal to the race with my comments of "I'll do my best", and "I'll run until I stop having fun... there is no point in running past that." At Sinister, I made it to the end of leg 4, and then copped out. 55 miles this time.
I tried to keep things positive, and pitch things that I was happy with my race, but truth be told... I wasn't. I knew I could do better, and I had just allowed myself to do less. This became apparent when I woke up the morning of the race, and wandered up the stairs comfortably. I should not be able to do that!!!
So, with this frame of mind, and with another month of training under my belt, I set off to run the Iron Legs 50 miler in beautiful Kananaskis country west of Calgary. This race was different than the others, because it was set in a protected area, and on mostly single track trails. I don't know what it is about single track, but nothing says mountain run quite like a winding single track trail. I absolutely love it.
Winding single track trail through the mountain. It's just plain magical!
Start to Aid station 1
Start to Aid station 1 was easy. So was aid station 1 to 2, but at the end, just before I arrived at aid station 2, I hit a technical downhill section that I just got all caught up in. My quads were burning, my lungs were gulping in air as I flew past other runners. My feet felt nimble as they ever have, and so I felt confident in ripping down the section without a second thought.
Aid station 1 to 2
When I arrived at aid station 2, I changed my socks from my regular socks to my toe socks, but I began to cramp when taking my shoes off. I felt it in my hamstrings, and in my feet. Turns out, this cramping was going to follow me for a while. It's funny, when you're in the heat of race day adrenaline, you don't always think clearly. One can often ease cramping with some salt/electrolyte pills. I had some, but forgot to take them. I said "hi" to the family, and headed out for leg 3 (aid station 2 to 3).
Aid station 2 to 3 elevation
Leg 3 was one of the most challenging sections of trail. It was steep, it was rocky, and what relief you could find on the tree root and rock strewn trail would turn into a washed out section of trail. The race had to be cancelled last year, because the original trail was washed out from rain and flooding. The new course had an extra 1000 meters of elevation gain, which I figured would be challenging, but how hard could it be? I remember starting to cramp up pretty bad around 1/3 of the way through this section. I tried to stretch out, but in doing so, the opposite muscles would start to cramp. I just kept on running. "You have to make the pleasure greater than the pain" kept running through my mind. It was helping, but what could I take pleasure in? I've become very good at doubting myself. Would I start now? No... stop it Stephen, you've made a commitment, and your going to stick with it. Now keep on moving! This is where the other piece of good advice came in. It came in an hour of defeat, and it has helped tremendously. "Don't try to eat the elephant all at once". I ignored how much further I had to go, and concentrated on getting to aid station 3. Perhaps they had electrolyte pills there? Turns out, I did not have to wait that long. I wonderful runner came by and gave me 4. I took two and it helped a little. I say a little because the cramping did not stop, it just took the edge off. Time for some ginger pills for the nausea, and an Ibuprofen for the swelling.
I time, I could see a blue tent between the trees in the distance. Aid station 3!
Aid station 3 to 4 elevation
The map does not really do justice to it because when I started leg 4, I figured that I had already summited how many ridges? They would not take us over powderface ridge again would they? Turns out they would. I settled into a pace that was not fast, but comfortable. I mythodically placed one foot in front of the other. In time, the tree line dissapeared, and I was at the top of powderface ridge. All downhill to aid station 4. I kept taking the salt pills and downing my food which was a custom combination of Maltodexterin powder, dextrose, and vega lemon-lime electrolytes. I cannot stand solid food when I run. I does nothing for me. On the other hand, Watermelon has become my best friend. I would kiss it, but it was already in my stomach :).
On the top of Powderface ridge (the first time)
Arriving at aid station 4 was such a relief. I did not want to quit, but I was in some pretty major pain. I kept having to shove any ideas out of my head that quitting would be easy. "You will recover in time" I thought. It was nice to see my wonderful family, and feel of their encouragement. Virginie proudly announced "You keep coming in with the same group of runners!" That's good, I thought... If I'm keeping up with the people around me, I must not be doing that bad.
It's something I've been really working on the last couple of months. Positive self talk. I'll finish an interval, and I'll tell myself "Good for you Stephen, that was a tough interval, and you gave it everything you've got, and that's good enough! Well done!!!" You would not believe how far that type of thing goes. One interval after another, I felt my strength increasing.
Iron Legs 2014 - Course Map
Aid station 4 to 5 was without a doubt the hardest section of trail I ran (or did not run). About 1/3 of the way into the leg, their was a bail out spot. The volunteer asked me if I wanted to take the 5km trail out to the finish line. I did not have to even think about it. In spite of the pain, I told him "Not on your life". I wanted to finish at least one ultra this year. Quitting was not an option. If I had to crawl across the finish line, if I got sick, if it rained and I got hypothermia and they had to evacuate me, I would take pride that I did not quit, and I was not about to quit now. I put on my headphones and listened to this song over and over again.
The words were inspired. I've said it a lot in this blog post already, but I refused to give an inch to doubt and worry. I ended up walking all the way to aid station 5. There waiting for me was my wonderful family. They had hiked into the aid station without complaint, and even had my favorite. Veggie Delight from Subway waiting for me. I munched it down with some water, massaged my legs and re-made my commitment to continue on.
Aid station 5 to 6 - Elevation change
The rest of the story involves my new best friend in the world, Josette Caissie. She was up ahead limping, but moving ahead. I caught up and we began to talk. We talked about race day experiences, goals, and about how ridiculous of a thing we were doing. I'm not sure if she hated running at the time, I know I sure did! Still, we talked and eventually started to laugh together. I enjoyed her company so much, that we stuck together the rest of the race. I was my little miracle for the day.
On the summit of Moose Mountain
Aid station 5 to 6 brought us up to the summit of Moose Mountain. It was not an easy climb, but much easier now that I had someone to share with it. It's one of the miracles of ultra marathoning in my opinion. All of ones social walls and protection is left 20 or 30 miles back. No one holds anything back anymore, and speaking for myself, but equally confident it applies to other, sufficiently humbled. We move ahead with a trust in our bodies, that they know something the mind doesn't something that is greater than us. 35 to 40 miles into the race, I began to discover that with Josette. We summited together, all the while, my feet cramping. We gingerly came down the steep trails, one foot at a time, but starting to make good time. By the time we had reached aid station 6, we were smiling and laughing. We were sore, and it was starting to rain, but we had visions of the finish line in our heads. There was no stopping us now.
6 to finish - Elevation change
Our pace was pretty slow when we first departed from aid station 6, but we were both in good spirits. For us, each uphill was a chore. Each downhill cause for care on sore quadriceps. The trail was beautiful. Eventually, we ran into Florin Panaitescu, and he joined our duo. We ran into my daughter Natasha about 4km from the finish line, and she joined us the rest of the way as well. By then night had fallen and we had our headlamps guiding our way through the dark.
Signs of "What are your legs made of?" and "Iron Legs", as well as cheers greeted us as we rounded the last corner and crossed the finish line. Because I had people to share it with, it was better than it could have ever been had I crossed on my own. Thanks to Florin, and especially Josette. One of the things that brings the most joy in life in my opinion is service to others. At church yesterday I learned that true service is something that you do for someone, that they cannot do for themselves. I want Josette to know that you did a true service for me. You helped to provide an atmosphere that I could recover, and prosper in. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you.
Final official time? 15:35:04
So, the moral of the story? Never give up. Never give up on your hopes and your dreams. You will get them, but they may be harder than you ever thought. I cramped for 50 km on those mountain trails, and even went into shock after I had a chance to sleep for a bit. I broke out into a fit of nausea, and a cold sweat. Virginie got me some smoothie, and after sipping for a bit, I felt better. Times will get rough, but they always get better, better perhaps because we have had a chance to sink so low. How can we gauge our progress, if we have no low point to start from?
My race season is not done yet. Iron Horse 100km, October 4th. I was thinking of the 100 mile, but honestly, I'm going to be humble and work my way up. Till then, happy training!
