Sunday, April 5, 2015

Who do you think you are?

Warning!!! This post is full of frustration!!!

Yet, I understand. So, let me try to explain.

I cannot explain it better than this video. Yet, I don't know why I'm trying sometimes. Have you ever been in a conversation where no one is listening? Each person is trying to make their point. Neither listens. When responding, they are not listening, but already preparing their next speech. The conversation goes nowhere, because neither of the parties is willing to listen.

Yet, I feel that readers are going to listen. I feel like I'm "preaching to the converted" right now. To those whom I want to reach, they will read until it's not comfortable anymore. They will close the webpage, and justify in their minds, that it's not worth trying to read anymore anyway. While they have been reading, they have been preparing their own speech.

I'm not going to share my childhood right now. I mean, what's the point? Everything I would say, would be to try to convince my readers, using commonly accepted gender roles, that I am who I say I feel I am. It will never work though. I can hear myself try to explain "I played with ponies too". I can hear them rebuttle "That does not necessarily mean your a girl". To which I would agree. The fact is, the only accurate test for ones gender is in one simple question:

"Who do you feel you are?"

I've talked to many members of my family now, and have asked them the same question. Men have always responded instantly: "I fell I am a man". Women the same. There is no hesitation, no question.

Even in the video above, this girl knows she is a girl. There is no question. Yet, it's those who are supposed to be closest to us, that have either taken two approaches to my announcment:

1) The helpers: They are those who will help us, and wait for us to see the light as they see it, and welcome us back to their reality.
2) The shamers: Those who realize they cannot help us, and for the peace of their souls have moved on.

I'm not joking about this either. Virginie had a text today from someone. She asked if she could hang out. She loves this person, and those who know Virginie know that she has a heart of gold. The person briskly announced they were to busy in a text, ending in the word "later".

Not that I'm complainig. If Virginie has less people to share her amazing love with, I get more of it, so my immediate angry comment to this individual is ...



I don't even have the words for it.

To avoid anyone judging anyone else, I'm just going to call them Benny and Matilda. They came up to visit. It's been a while, and it was obvious that Benny in praticular was really nervous. We had a nice weekend, where we tried to avoid the obvious matters at hand. I sent an email when they got home. Each responded honestly, and honestly, our relationship is over.

Why do these people treat us like we are broken, when everything inside of me is screaming "I feel more authentic than I have ever felt in my life!!!"

It makes me despise religion. I'm sorry but it does.

Then these people come back and tell us "I'm not giving up on you".

You know what? Virginie and I feel the same way.

When I came out, someone (and I no longer remember who), told us that after you come out, you will discover who your friends really are.

What is the biggest cause of conflict? Idealogical change

So where am I? I don't know yet. I can't manipulate and control people, and I want to love unconditionally, but like all of us, I fall short of this frequently. I want people to be happy with me, but I want it now. I realize I can only control myself, and it will take people time to come around. A long time!

Until then, there are lots of people who have surprised me, and continue to surprise me with the type of people they are. So you know what? It's not like I don't have a support network.

I've been meaning to blog about the "P" word. It's coming up. I think it will be a really cool article.