A few weeks ago, something had happened in our family, and that had led us to a rather deep discussion on the couch. There we were, our couches facing parallel on either side of the living room, facing each other like a debate team.
But there were no debates, and I feel fortunate to have a family, where I have both the opportunity to speak, and listen. There is no interrupting. Virginie and the kids have gotten into the habit of listening thoroughly, asking clarifying questions when appropriate, and only then, making a statement about there opinion.
For those who don't know me, I am a former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Often referred to as the "Mormon Church". Most of the beliefs I held have been challenged, and for the most part, I'm happy with my belief system. Beliefs about God, the purpose of life, loving self and others have been refined to make way for ones that make me proud to be who I am.
There are a few that have stuck with me though. One of those is about family. During our "deep talk" I asked the children what words came to mind when they thought about the word "Family". They came up with two: Love, and support.
I've reflected on these two qualities a lot lately. It's driven me to ask many questions about my own extended families. I don't know about anyone else, but it's far too easy to loose contact in Virginie's and my extended families. Understandably, we all have busy lives and taking care of our own immediate family unit becomes the most important.
And yet, I feel like I'm making excuses for family sometimes.
About 2 years ago now, I renovated our old house. It started off simple, but quickly grew to a mountain of work, I felt excited about, but perhaps overwhelmed by. I spent 6 months replacing floors, replacing drywall, counters, cupboards, plumbing, leveling, and painting. I would get up at 5:00am, go to work, finish at 2:00pm or 3:00pm, go to the old house, and work till 11pm. Then start the whole process over again. As I neared the end of the project, I began to ask myself one fundamental question:
Where was my family?
What I mean is: Could I rely on them? What were the expectations? Had they even been set? I realized that even though the LDS church had taught us to "put family first", we had not taken the time as a family to define what that actually meant.
The moral of this blog post? I still believe the family to be the fundamental unit of society. But I believe we cannot assume to adopt any belief without defining it's relevant application to us. For my extended family, many live far away. It's not appropriate to expect them to come and help. But we have to talk. We have to define what a family looks like, and have the confidence to encourage others to fulfill that vision. Without it, we will all have different ideas, and that just creates a culture of misunderstanding.
Family. They are relationships we can build, when we love someone.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Talking, yelling, screaming
I wish some things were easier to write about... As I sit here now, my fingers flowing effortlessly across the keyboard and staring at the soft glow of the computer monitor, I am reminded of some things that are not so easy to do.
Talking.
I don't know if it's just me, or if other people struggle with it as well, but I often feel that sometimes I have to say things the wrong way before I can say them the right way, but by the time I've said it the wrong way, people are offended, and my chance is gone. With this in mind, I've become accustomed to stating my word with extreme care. It's a bit of a paradox for me.
I guess I've adopted the idea that people who are giving me feedback are doing the exact same thing. They are not sure what they want to say, and by giving them time, and a safe place to express themselves is something I can do and provide as a person to help the communication go well.
Speaking of "trans", I get less and less weird looks these days from people who don't understand what gender I am, but I get more weird looks from people as Virginie and I stroll down the street hand in hand. I went for a lunch time run a few days ago and walked into the hotel where Virginie was working to say "hi". She kissed me and we embraced. As I left, I wondered about those who had seen us. I'm not planning on changing anything, this is who I am. I am a Woman, in love with a Woman that has learned to love my uniqueness back. I am the richest person alive. With that said, It's far to easy to see peoples "body language" and make assumptions. So, I've decided to adopt the mentality that if they have an issue with me, they will say it. With words. It's the same courtesy that I give others.
And yes, there are those that are yelling. Even screaming inside. Suffering with demons that are so severe that they contemplate and sometimes succeed in ending their own lives. It makes me ask myself, why is it so hard to talk?
Virginie mentioned one time after viewing a talk by Dr. Berne Brown that she felt she needed to learn to be more vulnerable. To show with greater confidence her needs, and desires. I've come to realize over the years that we all take baby steps. First, people need to show they are vulnerable through hints. They can be very subtle, and you need to be patient and compassionate, I have to remember: "It's not about me!". But over time, the hints will become whispers, then words, and eventually... confidence. It takes a long time, and yet I feel deep within the investment is worth it.
I've lived most of my life feeling like my life here on "earth" for lack of a better word is only temporary, and that my consciousness if part of a much bigger plan from a loving "Father in Heaven". Leaving religion and those beliefs behind has been very healthy for me. It's helped me to realize the inherent goodness in everyone. Not just members of the same religion. But there have been consequences. First and foremost, I don't know anymore if there is a life after this. For this reason, I'm much more motivated to live my life each day to the best of my ability, and to do my best to "talk" to others when that becomes too difficult.
For those that are tired of talking but are yelling, even screaming inside. Please, don't give up. Our inner demons are what makes us human, and may I suggest perfect. Because a perfect human being is literally in the symphony of all the voices both inside and out, both good and bad. They are what makes us who we are. It's what makes all of us an inspiration. They come together to create the tapestry of our lives, our interactions with others. It's what creates our good memories and our bad, and don't forget. Without our bad memories, or our bad moments, we would never be able to appreciate our good ones. You are as unique and wonderful today as you have ever been, and ever will be. So, if you need to scream, scream at me. I get it! I won't yell back, I know it's not about me. It's about you. It's about all the voices in your heart, and in your head that you cannot figure out because they won't stop talking all at the same time. It's okay, get it all out. Have confidence! Tomorrow will be better, and I will still be here then to listen because sometimes we don't figure everything out in one day. For most, it lasts a lifetime.
Listening... This is what we can do when we love someone.
Talking.
I don't know if it's just me, or if other people struggle with it as well, but I often feel that sometimes I have to say things the wrong way before I can say them the right way, but by the time I've said it the wrong way, people are offended, and my chance is gone. With this in mind, I've become accustomed to stating my word with extreme care. It's a bit of a paradox for me.
I guess I've adopted the idea that people who are giving me feedback are doing the exact same thing. They are not sure what they want to say, and by giving them time, and a safe place to express themselves is something I can do and provide as a person to help the communication go well.
Speaking of "trans", I get less and less weird looks these days from people who don't understand what gender I am, but I get more weird looks from people as Virginie and I stroll down the street hand in hand. I went for a lunch time run a few days ago and walked into the hotel where Virginie was working to say "hi". She kissed me and we embraced. As I left, I wondered about those who had seen us. I'm not planning on changing anything, this is who I am. I am a Woman, in love with a Woman that has learned to love my uniqueness back. I am the richest person alive. With that said, It's far to easy to see peoples "body language" and make assumptions. So, I've decided to adopt the mentality that if they have an issue with me, they will say it. With words. It's the same courtesy that I give others.
And yes, there are those that are yelling. Even screaming inside. Suffering with demons that are so severe that they contemplate and sometimes succeed in ending their own lives. It makes me ask myself, why is it so hard to talk?
Virginie mentioned one time after viewing a talk by Dr. Berne Brown that she felt she needed to learn to be more vulnerable. To show with greater confidence her needs, and desires. I've come to realize over the years that we all take baby steps. First, people need to show they are vulnerable through hints. They can be very subtle, and you need to be patient and compassionate, I have to remember: "It's not about me!". But over time, the hints will become whispers, then words, and eventually... confidence. It takes a long time, and yet I feel deep within the investment is worth it.
I've lived most of my life feeling like my life here on "earth" for lack of a better word is only temporary, and that my consciousness if part of a much bigger plan from a loving "Father in Heaven". Leaving religion and those beliefs behind has been very healthy for me. It's helped me to realize the inherent goodness in everyone. Not just members of the same religion. But there have been consequences. First and foremost, I don't know anymore if there is a life after this. For this reason, I'm much more motivated to live my life each day to the best of my ability, and to do my best to "talk" to others when that becomes too difficult.
For those that are tired of talking but are yelling, even screaming inside. Please, don't give up. Our inner demons are what makes us human, and may I suggest perfect. Because a perfect human being is literally in the symphony of all the voices both inside and out, both good and bad. They are what makes us who we are. It's what makes all of us an inspiration. They come together to create the tapestry of our lives, our interactions with others. It's what creates our good memories and our bad, and don't forget. Without our bad memories, or our bad moments, we would never be able to appreciate our good ones. You are as unique and wonderful today as you have ever been, and ever will be. So, if you need to scream, scream at me. I get it! I won't yell back, I know it's not about me. It's about you. It's about all the voices in your heart, and in your head that you cannot figure out because they won't stop talking all at the same time. It's okay, get it all out. Have confidence! Tomorrow will be better, and I will still be here then to listen because sometimes we don't figure everything out in one day. For most, it lasts a lifetime.
Listening... This is what we can do when we love someone.
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