Fear of things making sense

This last week I met with a psychiatrist, and received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. This is the culmination of speaking candidly with a psychiatrist, and unfortunately a month of "experimenting" with suicide, and because of the diagnosis, things are beginning to make sense, and it is my intent to explain as best I can why in this blog post.

Even as I write, there is this worry inside. I'll call it the BPD brain, but a friend recently called it the "Monkey Brain", and I like that explanation as well. This is what the BPD brain tells me:

And so I write this blog post to combat fear. I write it to challenge the notions I have, and hope that there continues to be positive encouragement. Because, although I rarely respond to people who comment on my blog, I really wish I could, but the fear of saying something wrong is all to real. 

So let my try to put things into perspective for me. 

Shortly after receiving the diagnosis, Virginie and I were hungry to learn and understand. Another loved one had been diagnosed several years ago, and back then we also had a desire to learn about it, but it was very broad, and difficult to understand. I remember reading a book about BPD and the author explaining "I have probably convinced you that you have Borderline Personality Disorder". Yup, he had. I could not finish the book, and I don't remember it's name. The prognosis was too awful.

But, Virginie and I decided to learn anyway, and this is what I have learned.

Borderline Personality Disorder develops in people who are already emotionally sensitive This is not a bad thing, quite the opposite. I suspect that being emotionally sensitive is part nature, part nurture but both are required and what you get are people who are very empathic. The often become doctors and nurses, psychologists and care workers. Women tend to be more emotionally sensitive than Men (I have lived both and YES, the battle is real), and so mothers tent to be a child's primary care giver because of this natural (or perhaps hormonal) ability to nurture with empathy.

There is a dark side to it though. When a young child who is emotionally sensitive receives chronic invalidatioin, Borderline Personality Disorder can develop. What is chronic invalidation? It's repeated and consistent comments like "Oh, you are just a drama queen", or "don't be so sensitive", or "you are overreacting", or "it's not that bad", or "don't turn a molehill into a mountain"... you get the point right? The effects of this is the emotionally sensitive person begins to learn to not trust there gut. To not trust there feelings because people cannot handle it. Dysphoria develops between this yearning to have friends and a social network, and fear of your own emotions and the BPD sufferers perceived inability to regulate them. As a result, a lifetime of emotional pain, distrust, anger, self-harm, and eventually suicide develop. Because someone with BPD has no "inner guide", or no "sense of self" they begin to require a sense of identity from others. They adopt the habits and identity of others, until the perceive abandonment, and then they will "emotionally split" or think "black and white". I need to get rid of them, before they get rid of me.

My mind can spriral out of control very quickly for this reason. Kind of like this:

Humour aside, this is precisely how I feel as I write. My mind very quickly spirals through the following questions with no answers, and the outcome only results in anxiety

• What if I'm not a Woman? What if I'm just lacking an internal sense of self, and this is just the result of my chasing something, anything because of my desperation?
• I've already had so many votes of confidence already. What if people tell me they agree with me when I share this information? Or have they had enough?
• I don't want advice, I just can't please everyone

I want to make one thing clear to any readers of this blog though. Please, please, please, don't try to correct me, or fix me. It will be invalidating. I've already lived a lifetime of people telling me how I should feel, and I feel that I've come to rely on it. "Somebody just tell me what to do and how to feel, because I just don't know anymore!!!"

I'm going to be referred to DBT or "Dialectical Behavior therapy". As I understand it, it's slightly different from CBT or "Cognitive Behavioual therapy" in that in CBT, the Councillors job is the challenge your ineffective paradigms or ways of relating to the world. You are challenged in many ways and the result, hopefully is a healthier way of viewing the world. Because, our perceptions are our reality. DBT on the other hand is different. As I understand it, the Councillors job is now to teach you to trust yourself and develop a sense of identity. You are taught to identify unhealthy thoughts. You and your Councillor become a team together.

I would like to speak briefly on the subject of being transgender. What does this mean for me? Well, I really don't know, but I'm inclined to take one day at a time. When I really try to dig deep and think about myself and who I am, I still feel that I am not a man, nor ever was. While the extra feelings on top of my already "emotional self" have been hard to learn to manage, they have also been wonderful at the same time. In the end, I won't be seeking surgery until it's very clear in my head as to who I am, but I fully intend to continue with hormone therapy until I do. I am firm about myself in this regard.

So to those loved ones (especially Virginie) who have loved, and lost, and loved, and lost, and loved, thank-you! Learning to trust myself seems impossible right now, but I've been told it's possible. It's possible to learn to develop a sense of identity and love myself for who I am, but that is not now, and until then I'm just going to have to be patient. I don't feel suicidal all the time anymore, but I do feel lost, tired, and most certainly like I want to be with someone, anyone who can take the loneliness and emptiness that I feel literally all the time away. I want to cling to that person for dear life, because they do something for me that I cannot do for myself. With that said, I also fear those relationships.

Please don't give up on me. Just understand that I am emotional, inconsistent, high-maintenance, and most certainly a drama queen. Again, please don't invalidate it by telling me that I should not feel that way. You can tell me the reasons you think I'm a good person, and I'll be very grateful, but don't tell me why I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. My perceptions are my reality.

Patience, loyalty, and consistency. These are all qualities of people I need, because they love someone.

When a part of me is gone

Virginie traveled to Croatia almost one week ago on a 2 week trip to celebrate the birthday of a childhood friend. She worked, perhaps even slaved for months at a job that literally depressed her, and was sucking the life out of her in order to come up with the money for the trip. It was important to Virginie to come up with the money on her own. This was going to be something "She did for herself". I am super proud of her for being able to do it as well, and like many experiences of our lives, I could use all of the most eloquent language to try and capture what it was like to work at a hotel for an employer that literally did not value the housekeeping work that got done, but that's another story.

As always, the primary audience of this blog post is myself, but I certainly hope that it brings some perspective to others as well. In the end, the hope is, perhaps we are not as different as it may feel sometimes. 

When Virginie left, I was going through, and still am going through a really rough time. Without trying to get into too many details, I was feeling hopeless over something that was failing in my life. This is not the first time it's happened either. It's happened over and over, and quite literally, just when I think I've figured it out, returns to rear it's ugly, but unfortunately, familiar face. As such, I wonder if I'll ever be able to say goodbye to this demon. I suspect I will, but like many emotional lessons, it takes time to understand, process, improve, and eventually master.

And so there I was, waving goodbye to a part of me as she smiled, a look of pure excitement in her eyes. She had sweat, slaved, suffered, and survived. For me though, I was about to understand how reliant I had become on Virginie to help regulate my own moods, emotions, and thoughts. When she left, I knew that I would have some work ahead of me, but I was determined to do it.

Many years ago, before I transitioned, Virginie and the Wife of a good friend went together on a road trip for a week. I was in charge of my 3 children, he was in charge of his 6. We had made a pact to support each other, and so I found myself calling him one evening. "How's it going?" I asked. He laughed and said "I'm just staying alive."

This trip, like that one has literally been "one day at a time". Sometimes, "one hour at a time". My mind is like dynamite. It takes only a little spark and... KABOOM! My thoughts begin to spiral out of control. In times like this my Councillor has recommended I practice the STOPP technique.

S top

T ake a deep breath... or two... or three...

O bserve: What am I feeling?

P ull back (Perspective): Is what I'm feeling valid? What advice would I give a friend? 

P ractice what works (Proceed): What is the best thing to do right now? For me? For others?

I've found this technique useful for mainly 2 reasons. 1) It's simple to remember. When my mind is spiraling out of control, I've usually gone into fight or flight mode. I've been kicked out of my frontal cortex to what Virginie and I often refer to as "my primordial brain". But... I can remember "STOPP". 2) It involves only myself. Emotional self-reliance, and emotional self-regulation is NOT my strong suit, but it's a work in progress. When a part of me is gone (Virginie), I can tell myself, "this is an opportunity to learn a part of me that I've completely forgotten about, and patiently get reacquainted with it. I might be surprised just what strength lies deep within.

But it's hard, and so probably about every 15 minutes I stop, take a deep breath, observe, re-find my perspective, and practice, practice, practice. and I will continue to do it because Virginie is so important to me, that I choose willingly to face my comfortable demon head to head. I know that the only power it has over me is the power I give to it, and I'm not willing to give it power anymore. 

I do this, because I love someone.