Tuesday, March 10, 2015

A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

I would wait to blog, because it's late and I  D O N T   H A V E   T H E   T I M E right now, but if I don't, the thoughts and feelings will be gone, and so here I am, at 10:00 at night, when I should be showering after my run, and going to bed, snuggled up to my soul mate.

Yet, here I am.

I'm not suggesting men are wolves, but I am suggesting the cartoon depicts quite well how "male bonding" has always been for me. It's foreign, and as absurd as the cartoon shows. Whatever I said, seemed to be ask fake as I felt inside. But you know what? I'm tired about talking about what things were like, too many wonderful things happened today.

When I die, I will remember today as a turning point in my life. It was the day other half of my life, my "work life" found out about Stephanie. It's funny how things work out. Inspiration comes in the most unlikely of forms. My running has been slowly degrading over the last 6 or so weeks. The answers are clear now.

Spironolactone is a powerful testosterone blocker. Unfortunately, it does much more than that. The feature that killed my was that it works also as a "potassium sparing diuretic". This means, I pee frequently, and whenever I do,  I pee out everything except potassium. Two things happened because of that. I became cronically dehydrated, in spite of the fact I was drinking 3+ liters of water a day, and my electrolytes were thrown completely out of whack. This led to frequent cramping, fatigue, nausea, and a whole host of other goodies, that made running "less than enjoyable".

A few days ago, I called the nurse to ask her, and after discussing, stopped taking the spironolactone. Things have improved. For example, my 15k time last week was 1:20. This week, it was 1:08. A pretty big improvement. Plus, last week it was a very hard fought 1:20. This week? I bet I could have done 1:05.

There is another side to this though...

I was seeing some amazing results, just taking the testosterone blocker. My appetite increased. I was having some major food cravings, and I began to become much more emotional. On Sunday nights, our family likes to watch documentaries. We watch them on just about every topic imaginable. We've watched internet safety, dogs, natural world, popular science, astronomy, technology, and last Sunday, epigenetics. It was very interesting, and informative. While watching, I was glued to what they were saying. I guess the combination of music and message got to me, and I began to cry.

I've always wanted to cry, but as a man, it seemed forbidden, but that night it felt wonderful. I was so happy about epigenetics!!! I just couldn't contain myself.

Then, I stopped taking them.

It was then that I realized how much I wanted to transition. It became clear that my councillor's advice that "it will become clear when you should make your announcement at work" was 100% correct. That time was now. I had an email proof read by a friend, and again by HR, scheduled a personal meeting with my team, at 1:30, and hunkered down intent on getting something done.

I'll post the email that was sent around. It was wonderful to write it. I don't feel like I'm much with words, but every now and then, I become obsessed with the moment as I write. The words flow into the keyboard with confidence, and with ease. This morning was such a moment.

The meeting with my immediate team went well. Everyone, although somewhat shocked, was immediately supportive. The email went out at 5:00pm, and within a few minutes, messages began to pour in with messages of encouragement, congratulations, and support.

To top that off, an old friend emailed me up. We got together last month talking about jobs, and he mentioned his company was looking for people. I saw no reason why I should rush into things, but I like to keep options open, so I agreed that I would be interested in meeting with his senior management.

A job offer came in this morning, along with a possible salary that makes my head spin.

I don't understand why so many wonderful things are happeneing right now, but like words on a page, everything is flowing together as perfectly and beautifully as the moonlight sonota. It's too perfect to ignore. All I can do is get on my knees, and thank whatever being is, or is not up there from the bottom of my heart, for making this day possible.

As I ran home, this message stuck with even more certainty. It was all there, the steady rythym of my feet, the cool air, the wind in my hair, the breath in my lungs. It, like this whole day is a moment seared into my mind with the glue of gratitude, that will be my tresure to cherish for the rest of my life.

My faith in humanity is being restored. It's being restored in everyday heroes that say "I love you" not with words, but with their ears. They listen and carefully consider. I wish I could thank all of these heroes, but it's already 10:37 now and I promised Virginie that it would only take 30 minutes.

To all those who made this day possible, thank-you. Really, from the bottom of my heart, I thank-you.

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