Saturday, May 7, 2016

Random thoughts on God and Transition

It's been a long while since I've been able to blog... I guess I have not needed to. For the most part, I've got nothing to complain about at all, and if I do have anything, they have all been first world problems. But, there have been some recent events that really had me thinking, and as always, this blog serves as a place for my thinking "outloud". It does not mean that anything I say merits any truth, and serves only as a method to sort out the things which sometimes "plague" the mind. Its almost like, until I write them down, they don't go away. Once they are recorded for all the world to see? Then I'm able to make peace with them.

3 weeks ago our family received confirmation that our request to have our memberships removed from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (commonly known as the "Mormon" church) was complete. So our relationship with what I'll from now refer to as "the church" was finally severed. Ending, what I felt were many years of what still feels like spiritual abuse.

I don't blame the church for anything. Honestly, it's a wonderful organization, and the people do their best to follow who they feel is their "great exemplar". And they do a tremendous job! For me, it was all about my perceptions about God, and leaving behind the church, has been my way of breaking up with the most cruel man I've ever known. God himself.

For most of my life as a man, I knelt any prayed every night. Mostly to have God remove from me, what I felt was the one thing that kept me from knowing him better. Gender identity disorder. It was not the disorder itself, but the stress it caused. One of the great blessings I enjoy today are girlfriends! Honestly!!! It's one of the most wonderful gifts I have ever received! (You know who you are). I always felt that I had better friendships with Women, but they never developed into romance... I was always just "too good of a friend". It frustrated me... but it makes so much more sense now why I felt that way. Because I am a woman too! Yet, there I knelt, night after night, pleading before my maker that I would have so much more with which to be a servant of him, if he would remove the trial of Gender identity disorder from me. But, year after year, the answer was obviously no. As I got older, issues resulting from the stress of gender identity disorder became worse and worse. I became suicidal, but worse, detached from my family, and what little friends I had.

I often think to myself, if I went into a test, on an undisclosed subject, and was required to write the test, but when I didn't know the answer and asked the teacher for any kind of help, the answer received was "no". The church sees life this way. It's our opportunity to come to earth, and be tested. I cannot get the information I need to make important decisions, I feel this is God's issue, not mine.

Yet, I've met members of the church with whom I've discussed this important topic with, and when asked if God will be merciful to me, because in their minds, I've made such a huge mistake, the only answer I could get was "I don't know". Honestly, if God really lives? surely he would be kinder than that... and so we sent in our church resignations. So that I could say my goodbye's to that cruel god, and have a chance to live a life, without feeling like I'm failing him every two seconds.

Tomorrow is May 8th. Yes, it's Mothers Day... but not only that... it's my one year anniversary of starting estrogen therapy!!! I could not be happier. I sometimes feel like I must have swallowed a horse shoe when I was younger, because so far I've defied many of the common issues girls who transition face. First and foremost, estrangement from their loved ones. Yet, for me, in spite of this reality, Virginie and I have become closer and closer. I cried today... I cried for many reasons, and for none at all. Gals, you understand right?!? and through it all, I found my way into my Wifes warm embrace. She held me, and looked with a look that said "I know your hurting, and I'm sorry." The most wonderful part is that I know if I lost it and started crying again? That she would come over immediately, and hold me, and love me.

This is what we do when we love someone.
One year ago tomorrow!
Just about 1 month ago. Hormones are amazing!!!

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