Even as I write, there is this worry inside. I'll call it the BPD brain, but a friend recently called it the "Monkey Brain", and I like that explanation as well. This is what the BPD brain tells me:
And so I write this blog post to combat fear. I write it to challenge the notions I have, and hope that there continues to be positive encouragement. Because, although I rarely respond to people who comment on my blog, I really wish I could, but the fear of saying something wrong is all to real.
So let my try to put things into perspective for me.
Shortly after receiving the diagnosis, Virginie and I were hungry to learn and understand. Another loved one had been diagnosed several years ago, and back then we also had a desire to learn about it, but it was very broad, and difficult to understand. I remember reading a book about BPD and the author explaining "I have probably convinced you that you have Borderline Personality Disorder". Yup, he had. I could not finish the book, and I don't remember it's name. The prognosis was too awful.
But, Virginie and I decided to learn anyway, and this is what I have learned.
Borderline Personality Disorder develops in people who are already emotionally sensitive This is not a bad thing, quite the opposite. I suspect that being emotionally sensitive is part nature, part nurture but both are required and what you get are people who are very empathic. The often become doctors and nurses, psychologists and care workers. Women tend to be more emotionally sensitive than Men (I have lived both and YES, the battle is real), and so mothers tent to be a child's primary care giver because of this natural (or perhaps hormonal) ability to nurture with empathy.
There is a dark side to it though. When a young child who is emotionally sensitive receives chronic invalidatioin, Borderline Personality Disorder can develop. What is chronic invalidation? It's repeated and consistent comments like "Oh, you are just a drama queen", or "don't be so sensitive", or "you are overreacting", or "it's not that bad", or "don't turn a molehill into a mountain"... you get the point right? The effects of this is the emotionally sensitive person begins to learn to not trust there gut. To not trust there feelings because people cannot handle it. Dysphoria develops between this yearning to have friends and a social network, and fear of your own emotions and the BPD sufferers perceived inability to regulate them. As a result, a lifetime of emotional pain, distrust, anger, self-harm, and eventually suicide develop. Because someone with BPD has no "inner guide", or no "sense of self" they begin to require a sense of identity from others. They adopt the habits and identity of others, until the perceive abandonment, and then they will "emotionally split" or think "black and white". I need to get rid of them, before they get rid of me.
My mind can spriral out of control very quickly for this reason. Kind of like this:
Humour aside, this is precisely how I feel as I write. My mind very quickly spirals through the following questions with no answers, and the outcome only results in anxiety
- What if I'm not a Woman? What if I'm just lacking an internal sense of self, and this is just the result of my chasing something, anything because of my desperation?
- I've already had so many votes of confidence already. What if people tell me they agree with me when I share this information? Or have they had enough?
- I don't want advice, I just can't please everyone
I want to make one thing clear to any readers of this blog though. Please, please, please, don't try to correct me, or fix me. It will be invalidating. I've already lived a lifetime of people telling me how I should feel, and I feel that I've come to rely on it. "Somebody just tell me what to do and how to feel, because I just don't know anymore!!!"
I'm going to be referred to DBT or "Dialectical Behavior therapy". As I understand it, it's slightly different from CBT or "Cognitive Behavioual therapy" in that in CBT, the Councillors job is the challenge your ineffective paradigms or ways of relating to the world. You are challenged in many ways and the result, hopefully is a healthier way of viewing the world. Because, our perceptions are our reality. DBT on the other hand is different. As I understand it, the Councillors job is now to teach you to trust yourself and develop a sense of identity. You are taught to identify unhealthy thoughts. You and your Councillor become a team together.
I would like to speak briefly on the subject of being transgender. What does this mean for me? Well, I really don't know, but I'm inclined to take one day at a time. When I really try to dig deep and think about myself and who I am, I still feel that I am not a man, nor ever was. While the extra feelings on top of my already "emotional self" have been hard to learn to manage, they have also been wonderful at the same time. In the end, I won't be seeking surgery until it's very clear in my head as to who I am, but I fully intend to continue with hormone therapy until I do. I am firm about myself in this regard.
So to those loved ones (especially Virginie) who have loved, and lost, and loved, and lost, and loved, thank-you! Learning to trust myself seems impossible right now, but I've been told it's possible. It's possible to learn to develop a sense of identity and love myself for who I am, but that is not now, and until then I'm just going to have to be patient. I don't feel suicidal all the time anymore, but I do feel lost, tired, and most certainly like I want to be with someone, anyone who can take the loneliness and emptiness that I feel literally all the time away. I want to cling to that person for dear life, because they do something for me that I cannot do for myself. With that said, I also fear those relationships.
Please don't give up on me. Just understand that I am emotional, inconsistent, high-maintenance, and most certainly a drama queen. Again, please don't invalidate it by telling me that I should not feel that way. You can tell me the reasons you think I'm a good person, and I'll be very grateful, but don't tell me why I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. My perceptions are my reality.
Patience, loyalty, and consistency. These are all qualities of people I need, because they love someone.
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