Monday, August 13, 2018

When a part of me is gone

Virginie traveled to Croatia almost one week ago on a 2 week trip to celebrate the birthday of a childhood friend. She worked, perhaps even slaved for months at a job that literally depressed her, and was sucking the life out of her in order to come up with the money for the trip. It was important to Virginie to come up with the money on her own. This was going to be something "She did for herself". I am super proud of her for being able to do it as well, and like many experiences of our lives, I could use all of the most eloquent language to try and capture what it was like to work at a hotel for an employer that literally did not value the housekeeping work that got done, but that's another story.

As always, the primary audience of this blog post is myself, but I certainly hope that it brings some perspective to others as well. In the end, the hope is, perhaps we are not as different as it may feel sometimes. 

When Virginie left, I was going through, and still am going through a really rough time. Without trying to get into too many details, I was feeling hopeless over something that was failing in my life. This is not the first time it's happened either. It's happened over and over, and quite literally, just when I think I've figured it out, returns to rear it's ugly, but unfortunately, familiar face. As such, I wonder if I'll ever be able to say goodbye to this demon. I suspect I will, but like many emotional lessons, it takes time to understand, process, improve, and eventually master.

And so there I was, waving goodbye to a part of me as she smiled, a look of pure excitement in her eyes. She had sweat, slaved, suffered, and survived. For me though, I was about to understand how reliant I had become on Virginie to help regulate my own moods, emotions, and thoughts. When she left, I knew that I would have some work ahead of me, but I was determined to do it.

Many years ago, before I transitioned, Virginie and the Wife of a good friend went together on a road trip for a week. I was in charge of my 3 children, he was in charge of his 6. We had made a pact to support each other, and so I found myself calling him one evening. "How's it going?" I asked. He laughed and said "I'm just staying alive."

This trip, like that one has literally been "one day at a time". Sometimes, "one hour at a time". My mind is like dynamite. It takes only a little spark and... KABOOM! My thoughts begin to spiral out of control. In times like this my Councillor has recommended I practice the STOPP technique.

S top
T ake a deep breath... or two... or three...
O bserve: What am I feeling?
P ull back (Perspective): Is what I'm feeling valid? What advice would I give a friend? 
P ractice what works (Proceed): What is the best thing to do right now? For me? For others?

I've found this technique useful for mainly 2 reasons. 1) It's simple to remember. When my mind is spiraling out of control, I've usually gone into fight or flight mode. I've been kicked out of my frontal cortex to what Virginie and I often refer to as "my primordial brain". But... I can remember "STOPP". 2) It involves only myself. Emotional self-reliance, and emotional self-regulation is NOT my strong suit, but it's a work in progress. When a part of me is gone (Virginie), I can tell myself, "this is an opportunity to learn a part of me that I've completely forgotten about, and patiently get reacquainted with it. I might be surprised just what strength lies deep within.

But it's hard, and so probably about every 15 minutes I stop, take a deep breath, observe, re-find my perspective, and practice, practice, practice. and I will continue to do it because Virginie is so important to me, that I choose willingly to face my comfortable demon head to head. I know that the only power it has over me is the power I give to it, and I'm not willing to give it power anymore. 

I do this, because I love someone.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for this and as always for your truth and vulnerability. Wise insights I will carry with me today and in the days ahead.

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  2. Wow! Every day, no matter the distance that may separate us, I am reminded of how deeply I am still in love with you, my sweetest Stephanie, even after (or because of) 19 years of marriage. I love you, Honeybee!

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