Sunday, May 18, 2014

Careful what you wish for...

couple holding hands : A close up of a silhouette of a couple holding hands. Stock PhotoStephen and I walk in the warm Edmonton evening, arms around each other' waists. We are barefoot and walking in perfect synchrony. It reminds me of our dating days when the world seemed so carefree in hindsight. I love the feeling of freedom that barefoot walking offers me. This connection with the earth reminds me of why I love running so much!
 My sides are still aching from laughing all night. The shroud of darkness that has seemed to be my constant companion lately had lifted for a few hours as I laughed to tears with my family watching episodes of Mr. Bean and America's Funniest Home videos.

There are 6 weeks left until Sinister 7 and I haven't been able to run in a week. My calves have become so tight that I cannot run through the pain any longer. Believe me, I have a very high pain threshold! When I was first diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, I ran on a swollen ankle anyway and applied ice afterwards. When I had psoriasis on my feet, I would run anyway and come home with bloody feet. But last week when I tried to run a kilometre, the pain took my breath away and I had to take the LRT the rest of the way home. I wondered if a muscle could get so tight as to break a bone? My legs felt wooden and would spasm if I tried to roll them out.

I ride my bike to the University and back every day to attend my classes in hopes that I can make up for lost training runs somewhat. I have also gone to see Leigh Garvie at Coronation Physiotherapy to get needling done on my calves but it's a game of patience and I don't have much time left! My husband has been deep-tissue massaging my calves for a few days now trying to break up the knots. It always brings me to the very edge of panic and I really have to concentrate on my breathing. At any moment, it feels like my muscles will suddenly give out and relax and relief will come flooding in but I just can't seem to get past that intense moment, nearing blacking out. It's so frustrating! What if I can't make it in time for the Sinister 7? What if I can't make the power of our combined strength a reality? What if I let down all those who are counting on me on their behalf?!

A few weeks ago, I secretly wished I would break a leg so that I wouldn't have to go through with it. The emotional and physical toll of the past year has left me hollow and I am so tired of the pain from both! So careful what you wish for, you might just get your wish granted! Only this is worse because there is no honour in this and I have failed our cause! Two years worth of rising way too early in frigid temperatures, two years worth of holding out for something better, two years worth of tears and training and mental toughness! I haven't lost hope quite yet but it's looking pretty grim, the clock is ticking unmercifully. To some this may not seem like such a huge deal but for someone who has never had a runner's injury and with so little time left, I feel that I let down a lot of expectations, most of all my own...

When my husband and I first came up with this fundraising idea, I had sky high hopes of making a difference, of changing a life, of carrying on the the legacy. But I realize now that I am not very inspirational and I no longer have my brothers' strength and faith to carry me through, to wipe away my tears or to crack a joke when life got too tough. My brothers with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy taught me that strength may not have anything to do with the physical and everything to do with the will! I miss you, Lehi and Mathoni and I could use a miracle right about now!

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